The parental wound

The pain of not being wanted is so painful, hurtful and all encompassing.The worst part is feeling bad about oneself and feeling like you've done something wrong. That it's your fault that the other doesn't love you, want you, care about you, seek you out, keep in touch, feel close or committed to a relationship with you.

The pain gets triggered over and over again with others, and mentally you know it is the other's issue, but it hurts and stings. You want to lash out, talk to others about that person and hold it against them. You want to cut them from your life and avoid any and all contact with that person.

What gets triggered in the present as an adult is the original wound of not feeling wanted, loved, cherished, heard, seen, considered, acknowledged etc.

It's a struggle to let go of someone who, as a hurt individual, behaved in an unloving and uncompassionate manner. Feeling the desire to withhold your love, care, and compassion from them, refusing to offer what they couldn't provide you.

As a kid, you want your parents to love and cherish you and hold you in care and compassion. That doesn't always happen. As a kid, you don't want to be the one who gives your parents what they need, but sometimes that happens.

Consider the one who hurt you. Were they hurt in some way? Was there a reason within them that they withheld their love or rejected you? Was it really personal to you?   Maybe they felt scared and powerless and lashed out...there is usually some reason behind it that would make sense if we knew what it was.

It's probably not important what you decide to do or not do with the other person. What is most important is to let go of the resentments, anger and hurt that you feel and let that person's behavior go, whatever that means for you. And release yourself from the ideas that you were the problem and somehow you were/are responsible for the other person's behavior toward you.

I remember thinking that if I could only be good enough and perfect enough then my mother would love me. As a child, I didn't think about my mother having her own problems and issues that caused her to behave badly toward me. I took on the blame and the shame.